Blonde Rosie Blog

We really never know what battles people are facing every single day. Something I not while living, working and spending all day on a university campus is that we spend a lot of the day alone. We are surrounded by other people constantly but are so independent in our daily lives that we actually spend a lot of our day going about our own ways. I can go an entire day not talking to anyone.

Everyone can feel alone in a world full of people. I think we forget how powerful a hello to someone or a small talk conversation can be. I spend a lot of my day alone and in my own head overthinking it all. I wonder if anyone knows how difficult it is for me to get out of bed in the morning. How difficult it is to put one foot in front of the other. I’m alone in this battle I live in everyday even though I am surrounded by people everywhere I look.

There is this theme in my life that keeps reoccurring. The theme of being used. But I want to look at that word in a different light because being used is not always a bad thing. Yes, there are the instances when people use is for their own gains but people use us when they are not strong themselves and need another person in life to survive.

Even back in middle school I was used for an easy joke during those years where everyone is awkward but too afraid to admit it. In high school people used me because I was smart so they would pretend to be my friend to get homework or cheat off of me on tests.

College shows us new areas of being used than we ever were before. The scary question of who are we going to eat with… We find someone who looks familiar and try really hard to force a conversation about the weather so we don’t have to eat alone. Even sitting in class before it starts we look around and start up a conversation about something random so we don’t have to sit in class in complete science. Then come the boys. To start we also use them in our lives to help fill that void of loneliness and need for wanting to feel like we belong. Yes, boys will use us too for their own list of reasons but like is a game of give or take using people as pawns to get what we want.

After almost 22 years I have learned a lesson early on in life. Being used is not always negative or a bad thing. Sometimes accepting that being used is okay is the first step of a happier life  allowing boys to walk all over us or letting people cheat on us is okay. But when we expect it to go in that direction it doesn’t hurt that much. We can actually use it for our own advantage.

Lllll

I never thought I would ever write about a Kardashian or see so much of her nakedness in one day. As Kim K was all over the internet showing the world her naked body I was not impressed. Media shows us girls all the time wearing barely nothing or looking hot making us other girls look in awe of their gorgeous and fit bodies. As a girl I can even say that I look forward to the Victoria’s Secret fashion show every year and I look up to the models who work out for those bodies and abs.

But when I saw Kim K’s naked body all over the internet I felt so much better about my body because I did not look like hers. I do not have an ass like that and it made me remember how much I love my nonexistent butt. It is tiny and cute in its own way. I do not have huge boobs and I am a proud member of the itty bitty titty club. They are not perfect and they are uneven but they are mine.

There are of course things that I would love to change about my body like a zit or would like to wake up with abs. But I remember that I am a real person who likes carbs and does not live in a gym. People can do whatever they like with their bodies. I for one am happy with my body and whatever happens to it in the future I will love it because it is mine.

It is almost halftime of my senior year at college. Lately I have spent time taking it all in around me. The leaves changing on campus this year are more beautiful than they were ever before. Is it because this will be my  last fall on Hawk Hill? Walking to campus is no longer a pain but an opportunity to take it all in and enjoy it. Coffee and lunch dates with friends have changed a lot this year. We talk about the future together and the dreams we have shifting away from superficial conversations and what is going on that weekend.

Bad news never has good timing. Having a rough week meant I was a little out of it and needed a few hugs. Friends who I haven’t seen in months because of the chaos of school and us being all spread out doing our own things.

It means more to me than they will ever know by their efforts of reaching out and doing the small acts of kindness to be in my life when I needed it most. Good friends will always be there and that is one thing I am grateful for. I may not always have As in my classes or be a great student but I will leave SJU with friends who I know who will be there for me for better or worse.

Family is something that continues to be a very big priority in my life. You would think that with everything we have been through I would stay at school and never go home making my plans after graduation far away from home. It’s the complete opposite however. My first 6 months after graduation are planned, moving home and working at a nonprofit or social service job nearby temporarily and then making my decision and then in the fall I will decide where I am meant to be. In New Jersey, back to Philly, New York City or maybe even follow my dream and go to South Carolina earlier than planned.

I am about to make scary life changing decisions in the next few months but I am so eager to get this new chapter in my life started. Who knows where it will take me. I think that is my favorite part. My entire life has been planned out up until this point. You are born and then you do everything to go to college. But then after college is the real world and it’s up to me now to make those decisions of where I will end up. Who I will be. Who I will keep and let go of in my life.  I have been on this path where I have always been able to look ahead and see what was ahead of me in some way or another. Now it’s time for a sharp left turn making it impossible to see where that road leads to. Scary but exciting at the same time.

When I wake up in the morning it is such a struggle. When I walk over to the mirror over the sink I look into it looking at how much I have changed the past few weeks. My face is drained and has lost that glow it once had. My eyes look dead with no sparkle or hope in them. The bags under my eyes are getting harder to cover up. I pick up my makeup bag and immediately put it down not having the energy to even put it on. My hair looks disheveled and not done but there is no time to do much with it. A fake smile and out the door I go. Spending all day pretending I’m okay and enjoying life when really all I want to do is cry and crawl into bed. Each day gets harder. Hoping this rain cloud over my head will go away.

This is something that so many people go through so it still surprises me that I can feel so alone in this journey. I talk to the right people and get confirmation that it will get better. Tomorrow is a new day! I can only keep smiling and pushing through until the storm has passed me over and I can lose this big rain cloud over my head.