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Senior year is a lot of scary things. Moving back to campus for the last time. Waking up for the first day of classes for the first time. Going to classes and realizing the end is near and soon we will no longer go these classes and do the assignments we complained about doing because we will be working a full time job instead.

Being on campus you run into dozens of people you know, you sort of know, had class with them once, and some are the people I see on the weekends who are closer friends. After May, we may never see these people again. In September we do not know who those people we will still stay in touch with after graduation are.

Everyday I make a point of sitting outside and not do any schoolwork but just sit. I will scroll on my phone going over pictures or reading the news. It doesn’t matter but I make me time every single day to just breathe. Usually a ginormous cup of coffee is in my hand while doing this. It is my own form of meditation. I think about the previous day. I think about earlier in the day. And I nervously worry about the hours coming up in my day. I am the over thinking and worrier about everything big or small so it is nice to think out these concerns and make lists in my head.

Something that has been coming up a lot in my thoughts is that I feel alone while having these coffee dates with myself. I begin to feel sorry for myself when I realize that I need this thirty minutes in my day of me time. I have never been one to be surrounded by a big group of friends, always just a handful close ones and a lot of acquaintances. Is that maybe because of me being shy and afraid growing up? I think there is value however in being able to be by myself for some time every single day.

Lately I have been spending time with people I was friends with freshman year. Those friends you make in the first month because you do not know anyone else on campus and the thought of making new friends terrifies you? They saw you as that scared freshman but were in the same boat as you and you remained friends. Eventually stopped just talking about the weather and classes making real conversation with other people. I am only halfway done with September and I have had so many people who I was friends with freshman year come back into my life. These friendships did not just disappear after freshman year but we all found our different groups and became distant but had that first friend connection that can never disappear.

When you see these people they will give you the biggest smile and real genuine hug because it really has “been forever”. I find myself at more ease when I am with these people compared to the friends I live with or who I spend socializing on the weekend with. Funny isn’t it… I am starting my last year at college with the friends I had started college with?

Getting a random text of someone reminding me that I am beautiful inside and out and that I can do anything.

I think we go through college trying to find friends who will open the best doors for us. Who will get into the better parties, who is friends with the attractive people, etc. But it really just comes down to who is going to check up on you on a Tuesday night because they were thinking of you, who wants to get coffee for your company, and who just  wants to sit beside you and talk about life when there are better things we all could be doing.

We said goodbye and then shortly after we said hello. We said goodbye again and before I knew it I was saying hello to you again wishing you would never leave me again. We are playing this game with each other. Both of us not able to meet the other halfway with this gap, this area of unknown territory full of trouble. Here is someone who cares about me and it terrifies me. I try to push him away but it makes me miss him even more. I have fallen for his tricks. I found a guy who genuinely cares so it’s making it that much harder to walk away from it all.

First night in the new house. All I have to say is that it is good to be back with the girls and in this house. Can’t wait to see what this year will bring. It is the eve of the unknown. The beginning of the end of my college life. Kind of scary to realize that the unknown begins tomorrow but I am so excited to see how it all unfolds tomorrow. Lets hope good things happen!

Our lives never stop moving forward. We can work hard to try to prevent time from passing but we physically cannot. Even if we stay in bed under the covers and sleep the day away, that day occurred. It came and went. Nothing we do can make those hours of us hiding like they never happened. There are a few moments in my life when I have stopped completely what I am doing, close my eyes and watch just for a few seconds time stand still. I let the world go about its business and just stand still as I watch it happen all around me. I fear change. I am uneasy about change. Over the years I have been able to create coping mechanisms to get over this uneasiness about change but it still makes me anxious. I know where I will be a week from right now and it is not in my big bed with all of these pillows. These pillows will be miles from where they are now in a bed I have not yet slept in. Of course I am anxious about the change that will occur after this weekend. But this will be a new adventure. It’s senior year at college. That is a new thread of anxiety all on its own but for now my life will shift again. A new zipcode. A new house. Even a new state!! Today I sat on the beach as the sun was setting in the west by myself and took in a breath of that salty ocean air. Life keeps moving forward. But life is not just a set of motions we do everyday. There are times in life that we do something significant. We choose to go left instead of right. We say yes instead of no. Life is continuous. But what makes those special moments is when we stop with the fuss that is going on around us and take in the unknown. The unknown is scary no doubt. However, we should wake up each morning and look forward to that unknown moment because it opens and closes doors in our life pointing us in new directions to where we will end up one day.

I hate missing someone. When I miss a person there are a lot of feelings in three little words. So much emotion is going on and being kept back. I miss a person physically, emotionally, even their presence. Us talking or the little communication by texts through the day. I can look at my phone for hours and know that no matter how much I wish, they are not going to pop up on my screen. When I’m online I wonder if they are too. If they casually see a new picture come up of me and do they wander over to my page. Do they miss me too? Will they reach out to me?

I miss you is just three little words that mean so much. Full of looking back into the past, looking at our choices and mistakes in the past. The what if’s consume our thoughts. Take control of every thing we do during the day. The phone in our pocket suddenly becomes heavier with the recent lack of communication its presence becomes more aware to us.

It makes me wonder, does the person we miss have these feelings too or is it just me going crazy over a person who does not feel the same way?