the end ends back at the begining

Senior year is a lot of scary things. Moving back to campus for the last time. Waking up for the first day of classes for the first time. Going to classes and realizing the end is near and soon we will no longer go these classes and do the assignments we complained about doing because we will be working a full time job instead.

Being on campus you run into dozens of people you know, you sort of know, had class with them once, and some are the people I see on the weekends who are closer friends. After May, we may never see these people again. In September we do not know who those people we will still stay in touch with after graduation are.

Everyday I make a point of sitting outside and not do any schoolwork but just sit. I will scroll on my phone going over pictures or reading the news. It doesn’t matter but I make me time every single day to just breathe. Usually a ginormous cup of coffee is in my hand while doing this. It is my own form of meditation. I think about the previous day. I think about earlier in the day. And I nervously worry about the hours coming up in my day. I am the over thinking and worrier about everything big or small so it is nice to think out these concerns and make lists in my head.

Something that has been coming up a lot in my thoughts is that I feel alone while having these coffee dates with myself. I begin to feel sorry for myself when I realize that I need this thirty minutes in my day of me time. I have never been one to be surrounded by a big group of friends, always just a handful close ones and a lot of acquaintances. Is that maybe because of me being shy and afraid growing up? I think there is value however in being able to be by myself for some time every single day.

Lately I have been spending time with people I was friends with freshman year. Those friends you make in the first month because you do not know anyone else on campus and the thought of making new friends terrifies you? They saw you as that scared freshman but were in the same boat as you and you remained friends. Eventually stopped just talking about the weather and classes making real conversation with other people. I am only halfway done with September and I have had so many people who I was friends with freshman year come back into my life. These friendships did not just disappear after freshman year but we all found our different groups and became distant but had that first friend connection that can never disappear.

When you see these people they will give you the biggest smile and real genuine hug because it really has “been forever”. I find myself at more ease when I am with these people compared to the friends I live with or who I spend socializing on the weekend with. Funny isn’t it… I am starting my last year at college with the friends I had started college with?

Getting a random text of someone reminding me that I am beautiful inside and out and that I can do anything.

I think we go through college trying to find friends who will open the best doors for us. Who will get into the better parties, who is friends with the attractive people, etc. But it really just comes down to who is going to check up on you on a Tuesday night because they were thinking of you, who wants to get coffee for your company, and who just  wants to sit beside you and talk about life when there are better things we all could be doing.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s