Category: Uncategorized

I have many faults but one of my faults which I cannot leave behind is that I forgive people very easily. I have a long history with bullies and people who are just mean spirited who I have easily forgiven and allowed them back into my life even after the wrongs they have done. While all of this may seem like a wonderful way to look at life it does have its negative consequences. I do not often end friendships or acquaintances even if I know they are not good for me. I understand every person is going through their own battle and I am not one to judge.

By being a forgiving friend and keep quiet about things that do bother me, it leaves room for people to walk all over me. From picking out what we will do that day, to the way people talk about me while I am in the room, to even the way my friends talk to me in person. While I may use my blonde hair as an excuse to have a “dumb blonde moment” joke here and there I am afraid this joke I use to ease the tension after one of my mistakes has taken a life of its own. People sometimes look down on me and think I really am dumb. I am often called “special” when I make a simple mistake of forgetting something or misspelling a word. My not wanting to make others feel uncomfortable by calling them out on their actions has actually hurt me more in the end because there is no sign of stopping any time soon. Yes, I do struggle with math and it was never an easy subject for me. But no one ever looks at it from another perspective. For instance, all of the life accomplishments I have made in my 22 years. I am not one to brag but I have had more internships than most of my classmates, I have created non profits on my own and can run an office professionally among other skills. Friends often find it easier to laugh at my little flaws instead of praising my accomplishments and real work life skills.

Over winter break I got together with a friend at Starbucks because what else is open at 9pm on a Wednesday. I was having a really difficult time. Instead of being there for me and being a distraction that I so badly needed he started making jokes. Which would normally be fine. I find enjoyment out of the smallest things, like a cat with a laser pointer, very easily entertained. But when the jokes were made about my flaws they became hurtful. I had told my friend that I felt alone in life and did not have many people to go to, in return he agreed making fun of me for being single and alone with no potential dates in the future. I am seeing a therapist which is a mature thing to do which I arranged all on my own and jokes were made about that belittling my steps that I made to better myself.

That night I did something I never did before. I expressed that I was upset verbally, stood up and left the Starbucks. I just left. Got up, walked out and did not look back or ask for forgiveness.  I realized that night that I have way more power than I thought I did. I never stand up for myself because I fear of hurting someone else. But why should I be silent as my feelings are hurt and they get to stand there continuing to do so?  I know everyone says it but we ourselves are responsible for our own happiness. From that day on I vowed that I would never again stay silent and let others make fun of me or my flaws for an easy joke.

Hello, Finals Time!!

If someone a few weeks ago told me I would be taking finals and still a student at my university I would not believe them. The past few months have been beyond difficult for me to handle and I know that without the help along the way I would not have made it. I had the option of hitting the pause button on my eduction to take time working on myself but I could not get myself to do it. I had worked so hard the past three years I could not see myself backing down now. There were days I felt hopeless. Friendless. Completely alone and useless to society. But I kept pushing myself knowing the light was at the end of the tunnel. In the type of situation I was in people kept telling me that I can cry and feel sorry for myself. That those reactions and feelings are actually a healthy response to what I was going through. However, for some reason I felt so much guilt for feeling sorry for myself. Why couldn’t I go to class? Why was this work all of a sudden difficult to do now? Why was I in this weird funk I could not shake off? There were so many questions I had that I knew I would not be able to find the answers to on my own and any time soon. A part of me wanted to be babied. Isn’t it nice when someone else takes care of us when we cannot do it ourselves? Unfortunately, I did not have those type of people in my life at the moment. I had to get up, get dressed and push myself. I made the right arrangements with my school to remain a student even with this disease I was going through. I was greeted by acceptance and patience by all who heard of my obstacle I was facing. It is not something I can shake off or make it go away on its own.

As daunting and exhausting as it was, I was proud of myself in the end. At a moment I was at my lowest I got the energy and did something positive about my situation. On my own I talked to the right people and got help. My entire world was crashing all around me but I remained strong and did not let this disease consume me.
I am about to finish my first semester of senior year of college. It definitely was not easy but I pushed myself and dragged my feet to the finish line. Now all that is left is exams. But this final season, I do not care what letter grade I got. I am proud of myself for getting through this semester. I have A’s and B’s in my classes! That week when I could not even get the energy to get out of bed, I definitely did not believe this day would happen.

We really never know what battles people are facing every single day. Something I not while living, working and spending all day on a university campus is that we spend a lot of the day alone. We are surrounded by other people constantly but are so independent in our daily lives that we actually spend a lot of our day going about our own ways. I can go an entire day not talking to anyone.

Everyone can feel alone in a world full of people. I think we forget how powerful a hello to someone or a small talk conversation can be. I spend a lot of my day alone and in my own head overthinking it all. I wonder if anyone knows how difficult it is for me to get out of bed in the morning. How difficult it is to put one foot in front of the other. I’m alone in this battle I live in everyday even though I am surrounded by people everywhere I look.

There is this theme in my life that keeps reoccurring. The theme of being used. But I want to look at that word in a different light because being used is not always a bad thing. Yes, there are the instances when people use is for their own gains but people use us when they are not strong themselves and need another person in life to survive.

Even back in middle school I was used for an easy joke during those years where everyone is awkward but too afraid to admit it. In high school people used me because I was smart so they would pretend to be my friend to get homework or cheat off of me on tests.

College shows us new areas of being used than we ever were before. The scary question of who are we going to eat with… We find someone who looks familiar and try really hard to force a conversation about the weather so we don’t have to eat alone. Even sitting in class before it starts we look around and start up a conversation about something random so we don’t have to sit in class in complete science. Then come the boys. To start we also use them in our lives to help fill that void of loneliness and need for wanting to feel like we belong. Yes, boys will use us too for their own list of reasons but like is a game of give or take using people as pawns to get what we want.

After almost 22 years I have learned a lesson early on in life. Being used is not always negative or a bad thing. Sometimes accepting that being used is okay is the first step of a happier life  allowing boys to walk all over us or letting people cheat on us is okay. But when we expect it to go in that direction it doesn’t hurt that much. We can actually use it for our own advantage.

Lllll