get up and leave

I have many faults but one of my faults which I cannot leave behind is that I forgive people very easily. I have a long history with bullies and people who are just mean spirited who I have easily forgiven and allowed them back into my life even after the wrongs they have done. While all of this may seem like a wonderful way to look at life it does have its negative consequences. I do not often end friendships or acquaintances even if I know they are not good for me. I understand every person is going through their own battle and I am not one to judge.

By being a forgiving friend and keep quiet about things that do bother me, it leaves room for people to walk all over me. From picking out what we will do that day, to the way people talk about me while I am in the room, to even the way my friends talk to me in person. While I may use my blonde hair as an excuse to have a “dumb blonde moment” joke here and there I am afraid this joke I use to ease the tension after one of my mistakes has taken a life of its own. People sometimes look down on me and think I really am dumb. I am often called “special” when I make a simple mistake of forgetting something or misspelling a word. My not wanting to make others feel uncomfortable by calling them out on their actions has actually hurt me more in the end because there is no sign of stopping any time soon. Yes, I do struggle with math and it was never an easy subject for me. But no one ever looks at it from another perspective. For instance, all of the life accomplishments I have made in my 22 years. I am not one to brag but I have had more internships than most of my classmates, I have created non profits on my own and can run an office professionally among other skills. Friends often find it easier to laugh at my little flaws instead of praising my accomplishments and real work life skills.

Over winter break I got together with a friend at Starbucks because what else is open at 9pm on a Wednesday. I was having a really difficult time. Instead of being there for me and being a distraction that I so badly needed he started making jokes. Which would normally be fine. I find enjoyment out of the smallest things, like a cat with a laser pointer, very easily entertained. But when the jokes were made about my flaws they became hurtful. I had told my friend that I felt alone in life and did not have many people to go to, in return he agreed making fun of me for being single and alone with no potential dates in the future. I am seeing a therapist which is a mature thing to do which I arranged all on my own and jokes were made about that belittling my steps that I made to better myself.

That night I did something I never did before. I expressed that I was upset verbally, stood up and left the Starbucks. I just left. Got up, walked out and did not look back or ask for forgiveness.  I realized that night that I have way more power than I thought I did. I never stand up for myself because I fear of hurting someone else. But why should I be silent as my feelings are hurt and they get to stand there continuing to do so?  I know everyone says it but we ourselves are responsible for our own happiness. From that day on I vowed that I would never again stay silent and let others make fun of me or my flaws for an easy joke.

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