we are stronger than we believe

If someone a few weeks ago told me I would be taking finals and still a student at my university I would not believe them. The past few months have been beyond difficult for me to handle and I know that without the help along the way I would not have made it. I had the option of hitting the pause button on my eduction to take time working on myself but I could not get myself to do it. I had worked so hard the past three years I could not see myself backing down now. There were days I felt hopeless. Friendless. Completely alone and useless to society. But I kept pushing myself knowing the light was at the end of the tunnel. In the type of situation I was in people kept telling me that I can cry and feel sorry for myself. That those reactions and feelings are actually a healthy response to what I was going through. However, for some reason I felt so much guilt for feeling sorry for myself. Why couldn’t I go to class? Why was this work all of a sudden difficult to do now? Why was I in this weird funk I could not shake off? There were so many questions I had that I knew I would not be able to find the answers to on my own and any time soon. A part of me wanted to be babied. Isn’t it nice when someone else takes care of us when we cannot do it ourselves? Unfortunately, I did not have those type of people in my life at the moment. I had to get up, get dressed and push myself. I made the right arrangements with my school to remain a student even with this disease I was going through. I was greeted by acceptance and patience by all who heard of my obstacle I was facing. It is not something I can shake off or make it go away on its own.

As daunting and exhausting as it was, I was proud of myself in the end. At a moment I was at my lowest I got the energy and did something positive about my situation. On my own I talked to the right people and got help. My entire world was crashing all around me but I remained strong and did not let this disease consume me.
I am about to finish my first semester of senior year of college. It definitely was not easy but I pushed myself and dragged my feet to the finish line. Now all that is left is exams. But this final season, I do not care what letter grade I got. I am proud of myself for getting through this semester. I have A’s and B’s in my classes! That week when I could not even get the energy to get out of bed, I definitely did not believe this day would happen.

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