Tonight I took a very long hot shower and washed my hair andddd shaved my legs. Right now I am laying in bed with a scented candle, in cozy pajamas and watching Netflix. Why all of this self pampering? No special occasion. I have zero social plans in the future. I have zero need to treat my body to a little spa night, but I thought why not. This last week has been a difficult one. I talked briefly about this months challenges in my recent blog post and I appreciate every text, comment and person reaching out to check up on me. I took a few days to feel sad, I took a step to get closure, but right now I am curled up in bed actually content for the first time. I am ready to move on to bigger and better things. I wrote my feelings down in a letter and passed it on. However, I thought I would write a letter on the blog to a boy who will never read it.
If Carrie Bradshaw taught me anything was that sometimes you have to just write it all down to get it out of your system. Then grab the girls, get a drink and hit the town to forget about the troubles in the world.
I highly doubt you will ever read this because I know the last time we spoke you had no interest in listening. I know I will never hear from you again, you made that very clear, however I still have something to say.
I had a serious relationship my last year of high school and first year of college. It was good until it wasn’t good. I felt limited, a bit trapped and felt like I still had some more soaring to do in life. I broke things off and had the ability to have normal college experiences. My heart was broken a few times, put my trust in the wrong people, but didn’t regret any of it because I had great experiences.
Lately, I felt like my life was heading in the right direction. My career was doing really well. Each time I thought about quitting my job, I would get another promotion. I was interviewing for jobs to get to Philadelphia to be closer to my friends, I was simply just planning a wonderful future. There were a few things missing from my life, however I had control of where my life was headed. There were times I wish I had a someone special, but I was not looking or trying either.
I was happy. I was happy on my own. They say someone comes into your life when you least expect it… I definitely wasn’t expecting you to come into my life and disrupt it like you did.
The first day I met you, we literally walked around in circles for hours because neither one of us wanted to go home. We knew within the first few minutes that this was going to be special. Before going home, we made plans to see each other again. We broke all the regular dating rules. We rushed into things because we didn’t see the point in taking it slow to get to know each other better. We knew this was right, we didn’t have to play games. Each time with you it was too good to be true. We kept laughing about how this was too easy. It was too good to be true, but neither one of us had ever been this happy before. We made plans, you said you were happy and you said really nice words in the poetic way that you do.
I told myself to be guarded. I have walls up because I have been hurt so many times before. I have rules. I have boundaries. I don’t let people in easily. We fought about my walls. You were mad I wouldn’t let you in. I tried to explain why and you held me close and told me you were not going anywhere. I believed it. My walls came down. We broke all my rules. I got attached. I gave you control over my happiness.
Each time we hung out, the conversations came naturally and we could lay on the couch watching Friends together forever. Both of us were happy, making plans for the future, both of us knew how lucky we were to find something so good.
Our relationship was so good so early on. We rushed a lot of things and it was a good thing at the time. Maybe that was our problem all along. We jumped right in to the relationship part without properly dating first to get to know each other better. It makes me so angry because when I wanted to slow down, get to know each other more, get our feet back on the ground you got mad at me.
What we had was very short lived. Our first date, you went running to tell all your friends about me. I couldn’t stop telling people that I found the perfect guy. One that liked me for who I was. Saw my faults as adorable. You tried to make me laugh so hard I would snort because it is something you loved. I told you I was falling for you and you let me. We were good at communicating about our lives, our past and what we did that day. We both went out of the way to make each other happy. I questioned your sincerity, why you picked me, why you loved me. You held my face as you kissed me and told me you were all in. You kissed my forehead and held my hand every chance you got. That sealed the deal for me. You had my heart.
You said that I was different than any girl you ever met before. You said that because of my pain, my past and my determination in life, you were in awe. When we were together there was never enough time. Goodbyes were so hard. I believed every word you said. I still do…
We had so many good memories and so many good days. You started to grow distant. I saw the signs, but tried to ignore them hoping they would go away. I know the signs and tried to talk. You opened up about your darkest secrets. I tried to communicate that I was still all in. Instead, you decided to shut me out. I didn’t expect you to be so hurtful because one of the reasons I liked you so much was how you treated others. You ended things so quickly. Without a real reason -saying that you just didn’t feel the spark anymore. You gave up trying to make this work and erased me from your life. That was easier for you suppose than letting me in your life.
I trusted you. I fell for you. I gave you my happiness. You hurt me. We had a wonderful month together and shared so many good times in such a short amount of time. Whenever I saw you, there was this special sparkle in your eyes, but now I just see darkness where your happiness used to be. I know now that I cannot fix it. It is time for me to learn and move on. You hurt me, but I don’t regret one day we spent together. Thank you for giving me these good memories, these life lessons. I hope you find the happiness you are looking for.