exhaustion

People say the hardest part about getting help in life is taking the first step and actually admitting you need help. I need help. This is not a surprise to myself, possibly to those around me but since May I have known that something in me was not right. I love distractions so over the summer with work, interning and a few boys in my life I was able to suppress the feelings I had and to worry about them later. First week at school I could tell that those feelings were coming back and my happy distractions were no longer with me. Instead my meditation on the beach, nights of ice cream and bonding with friends was quickly turned into homework, quizzes, outlining, reading, two jobs and the normal basic needs everyone has. End of the first week I had been through a lot coming back to the world of school and the work that comes with it. It was a lot then and it has only increased since then. I have a difficulty of getting out of bed, lost my appetite and prefer my bed to spending time socializing with other people. Dragging myself out of bed and giving myself only ten minutes to get ready for class was odd. Leaving the house with my natural not straightened hair, no makeup on and often glasses when contacts seem like too much of a hassle. After the second week of this behavior a red flag went off and I knew I needed to seek help. Professional help. I had a friend hold my hand through the process luckily. Listening to my symptoms and confirmed that I was not exaggerating things but seeking professional help would be a good first step.

I was given paperwork to fill out which was all generic. The question asked why I was there. I laughed to myself because I was wondering the same exact thing. I knew how this whole thing worked. I knew that after a few visits I would not be cured of my problems but I would be able to work through them. What are things I want to work on. Again I thought to myself, where should I begin? Should we focus on my intimacy issues because of a bad relationship back in 2011, my at home life which can not be summarized in just one paragraph, or most recently a close friend of mine had passed away from work and the uneasiness that I got from it that my dad might be next.

I met with a real person shortly after sitting around in a waiting room. She asked how I was and I automatically said fine because isn’t that what we are all trained to do? When we have problems are are used to suppressing them so that others cannot see them. I then told her the sparknotes version of my life which at this point in my life is liking pressing play and all of these words come out of my mouth but I have no emotional connection to them because things that would scare most people are things that I live through everyday and the only way I have survived this long is to refuse to really feel them.

The therapist agreed with what I guessed what was going on with the symptoms I had been addressing. I was in fact dealing with depression. What I was not aware of is that I was also going through exhaustion. I had spent years trying to live with all of this going on, being strong for the family, stepping in physically when things got rough. I was not even able to properly process a breakup with a boy anymore because there were bigger more serious things to deal with in my life than a boy doesn’t like me back.

So now after being diagnosed with actual things and no longer my own assumptions, it is time to wait until I begin talking it out with someone before I actually fall apart into tiny little pieces because that is what I feel like will happen any day now.

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