Blonde Rosie Blog

People say the hardest part about getting help in life is taking the first step and actually admitting you need help. I need help. This is not a surprise to myself, possibly to those around me but since May I have known that something in me was not right. I love distractions so over the summer with work, interning and a few boys in my life I was able to suppress the feelings I had and to worry about them later. First week at school I could tell that those feelings were coming back and my happy distractions were no longer with me. Instead my meditation on the beach, nights of ice cream and bonding with friends was quickly turned into homework, quizzes, outlining, reading, two jobs and the normal basic needs everyone has. End of the first week I had been through a lot coming back to the world of school and the work that comes with it. It was a lot then and it has only increased since then. I have a difficulty of getting out of bed, lost my appetite and prefer my bed to spending time socializing with other people. Dragging myself out of bed and giving myself only ten minutes to get ready for class was odd. Leaving the house with my natural not straightened hair, no makeup on and often glasses when contacts seem like too much of a hassle. After the second week of this behavior a red flag went off and I knew I needed to seek help. Professional help. I had a friend hold my hand through the process luckily. Listening to my symptoms and confirmed that I was not exaggerating things but seeking professional help would be a good first step.

I was given paperwork to fill out which was all generic. The question asked why I was there. I laughed to myself because I was wondering the same exact thing. I knew how this whole thing worked. I knew that after a few visits I would not be cured of my problems but I would be able to work through them. What are things I want to work on. Again I thought to myself, where should I begin? Should we focus on my intimacy issues because of a bad relationship back in 2011, my at home life which can not be summarized in just one paragraph, or most recently a close friend of mine had passed away from work and the uneasiness that I got from it that my dad might be next.

I met with a real person shortly after sitting around in a waiting room. She asked how I was and I automatically said fine because isn’t that what we are all trained to do? When we have problems are are used to suppressing them so that others cannot see them. I then told her the sparknotes version of my life which at this point in my life is liking pressing play and all of these words come out of my mouth but I have no emotional connection to them because things that would scare most people are things that I live through everyday and the only way I have survived this long is to refuse to really feel them.

The therapist agreed with what I guessed what was going on with the symptoms I had been addressing. I was in fact dealing with depression. What I was not aware of is that I was also going through exhaustion. I had spent years trying to live with all of this going on, being strong for the family, stepping in physically when things got rough. I was not even able to properly process a breakup with a boy anymore because there were bigger more serious things to deal with in my life than a boy doesn’t like me back.

So now after being diagnosed with actual things and no longer my own assumptions, it is time to wait until I begin talking it out with someone before I actually fall apart into tiny little pieces because that is what I feel like will happen any day now.

Let’s talk about boys. I went into this school year saying no to boys. No dating, no flirting, and no getting my hopes up. I want to take this time to work on myself. This is the last year of school. I want to take advantage of this time making memories that will last forever with the friends I have in my life. Of course I am lonely and wish I had someone to curl up on the couch with to watch movies. But I had that this summer. I had a boyfriend over the summer and felt uncomfortable the entire time. Why do I want to put myself through that again now? I was always nervous he would leave or want too much. Which happened in both cases and made me realize I am not ready for a relationship at the moment.

I am happy I figured that out over the summer before going into the school year so I can work on my happiness because that is something I still need to work on. I am putting myself first. Something I have not done in a very long time.

But saying good bye to a buy and ending all contact was a hard choice. Always wishing he reaches out to me but I know it is for the best.

Senior year is a lot of scary things. Moving back to campus for the last time. Waking up for the first day of classes for the first time. Going to classes and realizing the end is near and soon we will no longer go these classes and do the assignments we complained about doing because we will be working a full time job instead.

Being on campus you run into dozens of people you know, you sort of know, had class with them once, and some are the people I see on the weekends who are closer friends. After May, we may never see these people again. In September we do not know who those people we will still stay in touch with after graduation are.

Everyday I make a point of sitting outside and not do any schoolwork but just sit. I will scroll on my phone going over pictures or reading the news. It doesn’t matter but I make me time every single day to just breathe. Usually a ginormous cup of coffee is in my hand while doing this. It is my own form of meditation. I think about the previous day. I think about earlier in the day. And I nervously worry about the hours coming up in my day. I am the over thinking and worrier about everything big or small so it is nice to think out these concerns and make lists in my head.

Something that has been coming up a lot in my thoughts is that I feel alone while having these coffee dates with myself. I begin to feel sorry for myself when I realize that I need this thirty minutes in my day of me time. I have never been one to be surrounded by a big group of friends, always just a handful close ones and a lot of acquaintances. Is that maybe because of me being shy and afraid growing up? I think there is value however in being able to be by myself for some time every single day.

Lately I have been spending time with people I was friends with freshman year. Those friends you make in the first month because you do not know anyone else on campus and the thought of making new friends terrifies you? They saw you as that scared freshman but were in the same boat as you and you remained friends. Eventually stopped just talking about the weather and classes making real conversation with other people. I am only halfway done with September and I have had so many people who I was friends with freshman year come back into my life. These friendships did not just disappear after freshman year but we all found our different groups and became distant but had that first friend connection that can never disappear.

When you see these people they will give you the biggest smile and real genuine hug because it really has “been forever”. I find myself at more ease when I am with these people compared to the friends I live with or who I spend socializing on the weekend with. Funny isn’t it… I am starting my last year at college with the friends I had started college with?

Getting a random text of someone reminding me that I am beautiful inside and out and that I can do anything.

I think we go through college trying to find friends who will open the best doors for us. Who will get into the better parties, who is friends with the attractive people, etc. But it really just comes down to who is going to check up on you on a Tuesday night because they were thinking of you, who wants to get coffee for your company, and who just  wants to sit beside you and talk about life when there are better things we all could be doing.

We said goodbye and then shortly after we said hello. We said goodbye again and before I knew it I was saying hello to you again wishing you would never leave me again. We are playing this game with each other. Both of us not able to meet the other halfway with this gap, this area of unknown territory full of trouble. Here is someone who cares about me and it terrifies me. I try to push him away but it makes me miss him even more. I have fallen for his tricks. I found a guy who genuinely cares so it’s making it that much harder to walk away from it all.

First night in the new house. All I have to say is that it is good to be back with the girls and in this house. Can’t wait to see what this year will bring. It is the eve of the unknown. The beginning of the end of my college life. Kind of scary to realize that the unknown begins tomorrow but I am so excited to see how it all unfolds tomorrow. Lets hope good things happen!