Wow. It has been a long month with a lot of highs and lows. This month started off so strong and somehow it has left me hurt and rethinking everything that I thought I knew about life. This post is kind of a personal one, something that I rarely do. However, I felt like I needed to talk about this since I know a lot of other people in my life are struggling with self-confidence as well.
Self-confidence is something I don’t think I ever really had. From elementary school all the way to high school, I struggled with being shy. Being shy has kept me back in so many ways and I can see now looking back how it kept me from experiencing so many great life experiences. I missed out on a lot because I was afraid. It robbed me of my self-confidence.
My Sophomore year of college, I went back to campus and realized how much I missed out on my first year because I stayed alone and isolated myself. I started to slowly put myself out there and fake my self-confidence. It was draining, exhausting, but it got the job done. After a while, faking my self-confidence got a lot of easier and the mask was easier to wear. I was able to experience amazing things in college because I forced myself to get out there. I faked self-confidence. I faked my happiness, which honestly was the hardest thing to do. When college ended, I was exhausted from pretending for so long. However, after faking it for so long, I started to believe it and it did get a bit easier to convince myself that I had self-confidence.
For a while, my life was good and my self-confidence was starting to naturally grow. I loved my job and was being recognized for the work I was doing. I decided to take a chance and try dating, something that has terrified me in the past. My life was moving forward. Everything was in its place, things were perfect, I was genuinely happy. Then in a matter of days, the rug was pulled out from under my feet. Everything I thought I knew, I was wrong. Everything I had to call my own, was taken away. I laid on my bedroom floor taking in the pain. Unsure of how to process so many changes in my life at one time. My heart took me in the wrong direction leading to pain and confusion. Was it me? Was it all my fault? What could I have done differently?
Something I was not expecting was the strong support system around me. They allowed me to be upset but helped redirect me in the steps to stand on my own two feet again. I am trying to learn from this week. A bunch of doors slammed in my face, but I am looking for a window to open. A door to crack open, some type of direction so I know what to do next. It hurts right now and I know I can learn from this. I will be okay, but right now I know it will take some time to get to that point.
I have experienced so many hardships in my past. I have gotten through so many things in my life that sometimes I have surprised myself. This month did not go as planned, but instead of being discouraged about it, I have decided it is time to make new plans. It is time to accept the past and move on.
My self-confidence is gone, but I know I will be able to find it again. For a while there, I stopped loving myself. But while that love for myself was gone, the people around me showered me with the love that I was missing. I am going to move on because I know I should love myself more than anyone else and should only rely on myself for that happiness. I trusted the wrong person with my happiness, I got caught up in the emotions. However, I learned deep down inside of me that I know that I deserve more.