This morning I bought a self help book that was called “Getting Control of Your Life”. I held it in my hand for a few minutes debating whether I should put it back or to keep it. Do I continue to be in denial or accept it that yes, my life is a mess. What I have been going through the past few years is no secret. It can be seen on my face. Underneath the fake smile and makeup that I wear. Without those things you can see how much this… “situation”… is draining the life out of me. I keep my days busy and organized trying to mask the pain and continue the allusion that everything is okay. A few months ago I went to a therapist for the first time. It had taken months to get the courage to go and tell a stranger that I couldn’t handle it anymore after years of lying saying that I could handle this. When I told the therapist what has been going on in my life he stated that it sounded like I had control over the issue. What a weird thing to say now that I think back to it. After an hour long session, many tears and declaring defeat I was told that there was nothing the therapist could do and he sent me on my way home. That was the last time I ever went.
Every morning I wake up not sure what the day will bring. Will it be a good day? A bad day? Will there be tears, yelling? Every day is filled with uncertainty. What I can be certain of is that with a little bit of help I can begin to take more control of my life. I cannot change other peoples behaviors but what I put out into the world is entirely mine. Let’s see where this new journey (and 300 page book) will take me.
So I will take simple steps in my life now to make changes and improve it. Steps in the right direction. Or the left direction. There is no right or wrong path, but I’m looking for the path that brings me peace and serenity.